Light in the Dark Read online

  My eyes trail after her, lingering on the subtle sway of her hips as she walks until Sawyer gets my attention in a terrible way. One of the worst things about babies is when they try to stand and use you to do it. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? But what if you had long arm hair and they like to pull at it? Sawyer does that shit when he uses my arm to pull himself up to stand or when he’s not paying attention and just grabs my arm. He’s yanked at my arm hairs so much, I’m surprised I have any hair left.

  “Let’s settled down some, son. Want to help me cook? Are you hungry?” I tickle his stomach, causing him to laugh. “Nom nom nom?” I ask. That’s another way of me asking him if he wants to eat.

  “Nom!” he grunts back. The two words he clearly knows are DaDa and nom.

  I grab something for him to play with before sitting him in his highchair while I go about getting our dinner together. Before I can grab anything out of the fridge, there’s a knock on my door. I pick Sawyer up and take him with me to answer it.

  There on the other side is my mother.

  “I brought dinner,” she announces, handing me the bag and reaching for Sawyer all in one swift move that has been done plenty of times.

  “Enough for a plus one if I have one?” I ask as she walks past me.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Idaline’s here.”

  Mom twists and turns, looking for her. “Here?”

  “She needed a break, so she’s in my room.”

  “Wow.”

  We get Sawyer back in his highchair. Mom always brings too much food, so there’s plenty for Idaline, too. Mom feeds Sawyer while I lean against the fridge.

  “How is it going?”

  I shrug. “She’s more thrown off by Sawyer than anything else, I think.”

  Mom nods. “You can’t expect her to come in and be Sawyer’s mom.”

  “I don’t,” I interrupt. “Would it be great if she eventually took that role? Yeah, sure, but we’re nowhere near that happening.”

  “But she knows that’s what it’ll be and she might not be ready for that so soon anyway,” Mom points out. “She came here, thinking she was getting you. And now, she finds out she’s getting you and a little boy. That’s a lot for a woman. It’s not even her son.”

  “Mom,” I chastise. “I may not know everything about Idaline, but I know enough that the most important thing to her about Sawyer is that he’s a part of me. I know it’s a lot to put on her, but it’s not like I won’t give her whatever time she may need, too. She’s the one I need to be with and I’ll do everything to make it happen.”

  “What if she doesn’t want kids?” Mom asks point blank.

  “She does.” Otherwise, she wouldn’t keep a list of favorite names for potential kids.

  “What if right now in her life, she doesn’t want to date someone with a baby?”

  That’s the question, isn’t it? Maybe since she’s still here, that means it’s not a dealbreaker for her. I don’t know. All I know is I need Idaline and she needs me. Sawyer scares her and that’s my fault for not preparing her at all for the fact that he exists. All I need to do is make her see that we can make this work. She can handle this. We’re soulmates. That’s what she said. She can’t give up on me now.

  “Can I stay and meet her?” Mom asks later when I’m giving Sawyer his bath. When I peeked on Idaline earlier, she was asleep and I haven’t bothered waking her up.

  “No. I’d rather you go on and leave. I’ve overwhelmed her enough for one day.” When Mom sighs, I add, “When she’s ready, you can. I’m not rushing Idaline.”

  “Rushing me how?”

  I twist, making sure my hold is firm on Sawyer, and see Idaline standing behind my mother in the doorway of the bathroom. “Rushing you to meet my parents,” I answer. “Idaline, this is my mother, Jennifer. Mom, this is Idaline. Mom was just leaving.”

  They exchange pleasantries, which is fine, until I hear my mom ask, “You don’t mind if I stay for a few minutes to chat with you, do you, Idaline?”

  “Uh,” Idaline falters.

  “Mom!” I snap harshly, startling poor Sawyer. He looks at me with wide eyes. “Sorry, buddy,” I apologize to him. “You heard what I said, Mom. Go home.”

  She wiggles past me to kiss the top of Sawyer’s head, squeezes my shoulder, and says goodbye to Idaline on her way out. A moment later, Idaline kneels next to me.

  “Was that necessary?” she asks softly as Sawyer goes back to kicking his legs and splashing water, his favorite thing to do.

  “I told her I didn’t want you meeting them yet because I put enough on you already. It wasn’t right for her to put you on the spot like that. So, yes, it was necessary.”

  She’s quiet for a moment before she rests her head on my shoulder. “So, I guess it’s okay for me to be glad you did that?”

  I laugh. “Yeah, it’s okay. Do you feel better?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Good. I’ve already got him all clean, but I let him play for a bit afterward. He loves it so much. I can’t wait to take him to the pool or the beach.” Sawyer picks up a cup full of water, dumps it on his head, and looks at me while he belly laughs. “If only he loved baths this much when he was a tiny little thing. He would scream his lungs out until I put clothes back on him. It was the most stressful experience ever with him.”

  Sawyer holds the cup out to me, so I do the same thing to him.

  “You’ve been taking care of him all by yourself?” Idaline asks.

  “My family helps if I need it, but otherwise, yeah. Pretty much since the day he was born. Lila didn’t have much to do with him before she gave up her rights.”

  “I don’t understand how she could walk away from him. I mean, I know I’m having some anxiety about this whole thing, but this is her son. She carried him and gave birth to him. How does she not care for him?” She looks at me for the answer and I give her one.

  “Because she’s heartless.”

  With that, I drain the water and take Sawyer out to dry and clothe him. Afterward, I pick out a book and return to the living room where Idaline sits. The moment I sit in the recliner, Sawyer cuddles up to my side, crossing his feet at his ankles. We gently rock while I read the book to him. This is our nightly routine and always has been. He’ll be asleep in no time.

  And within ten minutes, I’ve placed him in his bed, returned his book to its shelf, and come to sit next to Idaline.

  “I know that you told me all I had to do was wait for your secret, but I still feel like you’ve betrayed me somehow. This seems too big, at least with Sawyer. If you didn’t want to tell me about Lila yet, fine, but you should’ve told me about Sawyer, FC.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “I can’t change it now and I handled it in the way I thought was best, even though I knew there would be consequences.”

  She rests her head on my shoulder and takes my hand in hers. “What were you expecting?”

  “For you to be upset at first, but then we’d reconnect and start on this journey together. I don’t expect it to be as easy as it sounds, but as long as you’re here and we try, I think we’ll work out.” When she doesn’t say anything, I add, “We can visit one another, get the hang of being in a relationship together, and once you’re ready, you can move here.” At that, she looks up at me. “I don’t want to take Sawyer away from my family.”

  “I can’t believe we’re even talking about this,” she says, a touch of awe in her voice, as she shakes her head.

  I smile. A part of me can’t believe it either. “Tell me a secret,” I request.

  Her mood dives off a cliff with whatever she thinks of first. “I was fired this morning.”

  “What? Why?”

  “I didn’t give advance notice for my vacation and I didn’t care about their very real threats. I needed to come see you today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not a month from now. I’m not worried about it right now, but I’m sure it’ll hit me soon and I’ll have a panic attack about t
he fact that I have zero income coming in.”

  Oh, my Idaline. This is not good news. She doesn’t give me a chance to comment on this development because she asks for a secret in return. What I want to say comes rather quickly. “Sometimes, I look at Sawyer and feel nothing but guilt.” I’ve been dying to share this secret with her for ages and now, I can. It’s not a nice, pretty secret, but it’s a real one and it’ll do for our purposes.

  Idaline sits up and looks at me. “Why?”

  “I didn’t want him.” Her eyes widen as a small gasp escapes. “I thought I would be trapped with Lila for the rest of my life with a baby she made sure she got pregnant with. So, no, I didn’t want him. There was nothing but negative feelings toward him. But from the second he was born, I fell in love with him. So, sometimes, I look at him and I remember how I felt and I can’t believe I ever felt that way. It makes me feel guilty.”

  Her eyes are so sad, which makes me wish I hadn’t told her this secret. “I’m sorry, FC. But it’s obvious you love and care for him; that means more now than how you felt before he was born.”

  “Maybe,” I say, not wanting to fully agree. The guilt won’t allow me to do so.

  “Can we go to bed?” she asks.

  Like I’d ever say no to that. Idaline stays in my apartment, just in case Sawyer wakes up, while I venture down to her car to grab her bags. My heart feels even more at peace than usual. Idaline will soon fall asleep in my arms in my bed. There’s nothing else I could ask for today.

  Back inside, my gaze constantly lands on Idaline as we prepare for bed, as if I need to repeatedly check that she is indeed here with me. Seconds after we crawl beneath the sheets, our bodies find their way to one another. Our arms wrap around each other’s waists. Our chests collide.

  “What if I move here now? I can start looking for a place tomorrow and a new job,” Idaline whispers.

  While this sounds fantastic to me, I worry Idaline isn’t actually ready. Is she making this decision out of anxiety somehow? Or is this really what she wants to do? And how can I ask without pissing her off?

  “FC?”

  “Are you sure that’s truly what you want? We don’t have to rush.” There. I put it out there the best way I can.

  “If we’re going to make this work, I don’t want this to be long distance. I don’t want to go back home. Things have been hard enough as it is; why make it any harder on myself? I can’t do it, FC. I can’t go home. I can’t leave you and do this all over again. It’s now or never and I need you now. This can’t be prolonged any more.”

  Hearing her distress is almost too much to handle. There is no argument to be made, not that I could even think of one to make. “If you want to move here, you won’t get anything but support from me,” I tell her.

  She kisses me quickly. “Thank you, Freeley.”

  I groan, which makes her laugh. “Don’t call me that, Idaline.”

  “It does sound odd when you’ve always been FC to me. I still couldn’t resist, though.”

  She settles in, scooting a hair closer to me, and tells me goodnight before dozing off. This is the moment I’ve been dreaming of for over a year now. It’s better than I could’ve imagined. And to think that Idaline will be moving here and we’ll be together? Pure bliss runs through my veins.

  Complete happiness is at the tips of my fingers and now that Idaline is here, I know it’ll be fully in my grasp soon.

  A soft kiss wakes me up. “Sorry, love, but I need you to wake up.” I smile just because he’s calling me love. “And we need to talk a few things over.”

  I stretch and open my eyes, a bit startled to find him already dressed for work and Sawyer in his lap, quietly playing with a toy. “What’s up?”

  “My mom will be over soon to keep Sawyer for me today, and then I have to leave for work. Will you be okay here with her? Or you could come and hang out with Jamie? I would feel better if you came with me.” He tickles Sawyer a bit. “I don’t want Mom pressuring you all day. I’m sure you could take your laptop and look for jobs and such from the shop.”

  “I’ll go with you if that’s what you want.”

  FC gives me one of his breathtaking smiles. I get ready and finish just in time to leave with FC. My decision was the right one because the look his mother gives me is definitely one that wishes to crack me open and discover all my darkest secrets.

  My heart and mind already feel better than they did yesterday. It’s all for the simple fact that FC is near. My soul entwines with his and sighs with contentment, finally in its paradise. My heart dances to a happier beat and my mind relaxes knowing that whatever battles I’ll face, FC is here to face them with me.

  “How are you feeling today?” he asks, pointing to his head.

  “Good, but starting to worry about not having a job.”

  FC reaches over to hold my hand. “Don’t worry about that. You’ll start looking today and you’ll find something soon.”

  When he lifts our joined hands, I ache to tell him I love him. Three powerful words I’ve wanted to say for such a long time, yet this morning doesn’t seem like the time to utter them. FC escorts me to the main office, where Jamie already sits behind her desk. She perks up at seeing me.

  “Do I have a visitor today?” she asks.

  “If it’s okay with you and Brent?”

  She waves her hand in dismissal. “Brent won’t care. Let me grab you a seat and you can sit back here with me.”

  As Jamie sets about doing that, FC turns to me. “Come find me if you need me; otherwise, I’ll see you at lunch. You’re in good hands with Jamie.” My heart slows to a stop as he leans forward and kisses me softly on the mouth. The I love you is on the tip of my tongue once more.

  “Okay, FC. Go work before I report to the boss that you’re wasting time in my office,” Jamie says. “I’ll be nice to Idaline, I promise.”

  FC squeezes my hand before disappearing into the shop. Jamie ushers me into the chair she brought around.

  She eyes me as if I’m a long-lost toy or something. “FC’s in love with you, you know. He hadn’t worked here for a week before everyone in the shop knew about you and how he was essentially waiting for you. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”

  Well, she jumps right to the point and doesn’t beat around the bush at all.

  “Yes,” I answer.

  Jamie grins. “That’s awesome to hear. I promise that’s as much as I’ll get into your business. I do my best to stay out of other people’s lives, but I had to get that much out. If you need a friend, I’m an option. I know you’re new to the area and it can’t hurt to have someone close by other than FC to talk to, if needed.”

  “Thanks.”

  For the first two hours, in between interruptions from phone calls and customers coming in, Jamie and I get to know one another better. She seems like a pretty cool person. She could easily become a friend of mine. Once she declares she must actually focus on work, she gives me the wifi password and I’m able to focus on some of my list of things to do as well.

  I figure I better look for a job first. It won’t do me much good to get an apartment if I don’t have income coming in. There are a few positions available in the area and I spend every moment until FC comes to find me for lunch filling out applications. One of them has to pan out.

  “How was your morning?” FC asks as we leave for lunch.

  “Good. Jamie is nice and I’ve been filling out job applications all morning. I’ll hunt for an apartment when I get back.”

  “Are you still feeling good about moving here? No second thoughts or hesitations?” FC glances at me as he stops at a stoplight.

  Honestly, I feel lighter than I have in months. It’s as if my mentality needed a change of scenery. A fresh start to erase the bad feelings and anxieties, and that’s moving close to FC and officially starting a relationship with him. “This feels like the best decision I’ve made in a long time,” I tell him, causing him to grin as the light turns green.

>   We soon arrive at a restaurant. FC takes my hand, but we don’t speak until after we’ve placed our orders. FC looks a bit hesitant, nervous, and I worry about what he’ll say.

  “You’re,” he takes a deep breath. “You’re okay with not moving in with me, right? I mean, I’d love to someday, but don’t you think it’s too soon? And with Sawyer involved, I don’t want to rush anything, especially since I threw you for a loop where he is involved.”

  “FC,” I interrupt because it seems as if he wants to keep on talking. “It’s fine. I don’t want to move in with you right now. Maybe someday, like you said. I think it’ll be too much too soon for us to take that step. I want my own place.” Not only do I think it’s too soon for us, but I still want my own space for when I may need it, anxiety-wise.

  FC relaxes. “Okay, good. I’m glad we’re on the same page then. Can I take you on a proper date tonight?”

  “I don’t have any other plans,” I tease with a laugh.

  He smiles and lifts my hand to his mouth for a kiss. “Then you’re all mine as long as Sawyer has a babysitter.”

  This feels so surreal. Not only that I’m here with FC, but that after all this time, we’re talking about going on dates. Talking about relationships and moving closer to one another so we can be together like we’ve always wanted.

  “What’s the smile for?” FC asks.

  I didn’t even realize I was smiling. “I’m glad I’m here is all.” Not much can bring me down from this high.

  We spend more time catching up over lunch before returning to FC’s work. There, I search for places to rent and make appointments for later in the week to look at a few different places. FC buzzes with energy on the way home, knowing we’ll have our first date tonight.

  His mom heads home soon after we arrive, as his nana is actually the one who will babysit for him. I’m both nervous and a bit excited about meeting her. I play with Sawyer on FC’s bed while FC showers. It’s not as hard or complicated as I thought it might be to keep the baby occupied. He likes playing with the toys FC left him and it seems easy to find ways to entertain him.

  When he leans against my chest while he plays with a stuffed animal, an odd feeling wraps around my soul. It’s such a sweet action. It’s as if he’s comfortable with me already, even though I don’t feel as if I’m fully there yet with him.