Where We Belong (Carolina Rebels Book 8) Read online

  “Anyone in there?” he tries.

  The doorknob jiggles and jiggles, and I start to worry. Cal wouldn’t be so curious that he’d break into his brother’s bedroom, would he?

  “What the fuck are you doing, Cal?”

  I fall back onto the bed with a sigh of relief.

  “Just checking in on your booty call.” I nearly snort at Collin’s white lie to Cal. “Was going to see if she could tell us apart,” he adds slightly quieter.

  “Hand over my key.” Oh, shit. Collin is pissed. Should I go out there, smooth things over? My stomach twists at the thought of facing Cal.

  “What? Over a booty call?” The shock in his tone is more than my own shock over this turn of events. If he knew who was in here and how protective Collin is over me, he would be shocked from finding out, but not over his reaction.

  “You were about to break into my room, Cal! There’s a girl in there who needs some fucking privacy. You can barge into my apartment, but my bedroom is off fucking limits. Now, my apartment is off limits. Give me my fucking key. You want to come over, you text first.”

  “Collin, you’re being ridiculous. What’s really going on here? Do you need a session or something?”

  “Don’t try and turn this around on me, Cal. This isn’t about my fucked up life. Give me my key or I’ll get it my damn self.” Things are quiet for a moment and then I hear Collin say, “Now get the fuck out and don’t apologize until you grow up and actually mean it.”

  “You’re off your rocker today, man.”

  I wince. Collin doesn’t like for people to think he’s crazy or to call him crazy. Cal knows that. For his own brother to say that will hurt and nag him for a long time. I hear a door slam closed. For twenty minutes, I debate checking on him, but I don’t want to crowd him after that either.

  “Jules?”

  I scramble off the bed to unlock the door for him. “I’m sorry, Collin. I didn’t know what to do other than stay in here.”

  His eyes widen. “You knew it wasn’t me?”

  I roll my eyes. “I can tell the difference and even if I couldn’t, you’d never call me baby.”

  He grimaces. He slowly reaches up and runs his fingers over my swollen and bruised face. “How are you feeling?”

  “Blissfully in denial. I came to North Carolina to visit my long-time favorite Kessy, Collin. Everything has gone smoothly since the moment I stepped off the plane.”

  “Julie,” he sighs.

  “My face hurts; do you really want me to cry?”

  His hand drops. “No. Are you hungry?”

  “Yeah. I just woke up when Cal came over.”

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I stopped for groceries. C’mon.”

  I almost hesitate to leave the safety and security of his bedroom, but knowing he has his brother’s key and that the door is most likely locked, along with the fact that I am indeed starving, helps move my feet to follow Collin across the apartment to the kitchen. He motions for me to sit on a stool at the bar while he cooks us up something. Marmalade meows and rubs against Collin’s legs, walking back and forth between them.

  “Are you ready to talk to me?” he asks.

  I sigh. The answer is no. I haven’t quite figured out a good lie to tell him. There’s no way I’m telling Collin the truth. If I can’t wrap my mind around it, how will he? I still have to tell him the big reason for my coming to North Carolina: that I want to move in. Living back home isn’t an option anymore. I can’t go back without something like what happened last night happening again. If Collin says no, I’ll hop on a plane and pick the next flight to a new home. Those are my two options: Live with Collin or move somewhere completely new.

  My body hurts and aches, covered with a layer of bruises from my head to my toes, and it’s because of something I’ve had no control over.

  I flinch in surprise when Collin is suddenly next to me, grabbing me by the chin, but gently tilting my head back to look at him. “Stop blaming yourself,” he says quietly. I wish I could blame myself. Then I’d know the hows, the whys, and the whens. I could take responsibility for it, but I can’t. He’s mistaking my confusion for self-blame. I yearn for that; it would be better than the turmoil of not knowing.

  He looks hurt, undoubtedly because I flinched, but he caught me off guard. If there’s one thing I’ve tried to learn, it’s to be aware of my surroundings. Being unaware, even in so-called safe places, leads to bad things. I’ve learned my lesson. Collin leans forward an inch, stops as if he’s hesitating, but then closes the distance to kiss my forehead. “Don’t make me guilt trip it out of you,” he mutters, his lips caressing my skin as he talks. And then, as suddenly as he appeared, he’s gone and back to cooking.

  “What do you mean?” Of course he wants to know, but that’s not enough to guilt trip me into telling him what happened last night.

  “My anxiety level is a thirteen, Jules. I’ve already had three panic attacks this morning, though I won’t put the blame on you because things have been getting worse anyway.” I watch the movement of his broad, broad shoulders as he shrugs. “You got me involved; I need to know.”

  Tears fall before I can stop them. Part of me wants to tell him. He’s Collin. How can I not? But at the same time, I want to forget last night ever happened. A grilled cheese sandwich plops down on a paper towel in front of me and I smile.

  “Your favorite comfort food,” he says simply, wiping away my tears with his thumb. “Eat up.” A moment later, he sits next to me with his own sandwich.

  I come up with an easy, believable lie as quick as I can.

  “It’s partly my fault,” I say, earning a disapproving glance from Collin. I take a deep breath. “I started seeing this guy and he wasn’t who I thought he was. This,” I point to my face, “is because I broke up with him.” Less is more, right? And the fewer lies I tell, the less I have to remember. “Can I stay here for a while?” I don’t want to jump in with the moving part. Collin is the only person to ever stick with me throughout my up-and-down, ultimately shitty life. I don’t know what I’d do without him. However, if I jump in with both feet, he might suspect more than what I’ve told him.

  He repeats the same thing he told me last night. “I can’t keep you hidden forever.”

  “I know, but just for a little while? I can’t deal with Cal on top of this.”

  His brother was fine in high school, but the older we get and the more I hear about him through Collin, he irritates me. Plus, if Collin is the best Kessy, then that makes Cal the worst in my eyes. I meant what I said when I told Collin that I can tell them apart and they aren’t the same to me. I tell him every so often, but it’s yet to get through to him, and for him to understand it’s a good thing.

  Cal is a sore subject for me ultimately because in a weird way, I feel like I was duped. Like I was with the wrong guy. I should have never hung out and fooled around with Cal in high school. All of it should’ve been with Collin, but I was too immature to see what really mattered back then. I think about Cal and feel nothing but regret. I’m in love with his brother, but we’ve been dancing to this song for so long, I’m not sure we’ll ever be more.

  Collin sighs and doesn’t look so sure about keeping me a secret for a while.

  “We never tell Cal when I’m in town. Why is this time different?” I ask.

  “You’re hurt, Jules,” he says so simply, it’s as if that explains everything.

  It doesn’t.

  “Cal doesn’t care if I’m hurt or not.” And he wouldn’t. I highly doubt that’s changed about him from high school. Cal doesn’t care because he doesn’t care about me, not like Collin does. If Collin was hurt, it would be a different story because it’s someone Cal cares about. Cal doesn’t care about me. Therefore, so what if I’m hurt?

  Collin doesn’t acknowledge what I said. Instead, he says, “You know you can stay as long as you want. If you don’t want Cal to know, then we won’t tell him.”

  I throw my arms around him.
“Thank you.”

  He holds me for a moment before releasing me. “Eat your sandwich, Jules.”

  After we’re done with our sandwiches, there’s banging on his door. “Come on, Collin! Stop ignoring me!” his brother shouts. “I’m sorry, okay? Give me my key back and let’s move on. You aren’t crazy, either. I shouldn’t have said that.” Collin turns to stone next to me, even though Cal is apologizing. “Please, Collin?”

  “Go away, Cal!” Collin shouts.

  “Is that girl still in there? Is that why you’re being a dick to me?”

  Collin sighs.

  “Maybe you should talk to him,” I suggest.

  “Stay where you are.” Collin stands and walks to the door, blocking it much like he did his bedroom door this morning, though there’s no chance Cal can see me now. “Go the fuck away, Cal. Apology accepted. Happy? Now, go home. I need a nap.”

  “That girl is definitely still here. Why are you keeping secrets from me?”

  “Because you tried breaking into my room this morning,” Collin easily replies.

  “I gave you an apology!”

  “Which I accepted. That doesn’t mean you get your key or that I’m letting you in,” he fires back. “Now go home. You’re seriously wearing me the fuck out.” He closes and locks the door before Cal can argue with him.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Collin frowns at me. “Why are you sorry? He does something stupid like that at least once a month.” He sighs. “Do you mind if I actually take a nap? I promise to be better company later, but I’m exhausted.”

  I shake my head. He walks over to me and gives me the tightest hug he can without breaking a rib. “I’m glad you’re here, Jules. I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you too,” I whisper before he releases me and walks away to his bedroom. I just wish he loved me like I love him.

  I’m lying on the couch, watching TV, when I hear gasping sounds from the bedroom. I shoot off the couch and see Collin lying on his back, his hands in fists by his side, and his chest moving rapidly with each inhale. He’s told me he has nightmares where he’s having a panic attack. Do they manifest themselves like this? He never said. No wonder he’s getting more and more exhausted every day.

  I rush to climb onto the bed and shake him awake. He startles and grabs my shoulders in a tight grip that has me wincing. His glazed eyes clear in about three seconds.

  “Fuck, Julie! Are you okay? What’s wrong?” His hands slide up and down my arms in a soothing motion.

  “I’m fine,” I say, causing him to frown in confusion. “You were almost to the point of hyperventilating in your sleep, so I woke you up.”

  His hands fall and he collapses back onto the bed. “Oh.” He squeezes his eyes closed and tries to regain control of his breathing.

  “Are you okay? Do you remember what the dream was about?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Okay.” I hate feeling helpless when it comes to his anxiety. I never know how to help and not make it worse, or make sure I don’t do something where he feels weak. But he looks like he needs a hug, so hopefully, he’s okay with me shifting to lie on my side and throwing an arm around him in an one-armed hug. He’s tense for a good moment, but then he relaxes and hugs me back with a deep breath.

  “This hasn’t been a warm welcome for you.”

  “I can’t expect you to always get it right.”

  He laughs. “I’m glad you’re here, Jules.”

  “There’s no other place I’d rather be,” I whisper. We enjoy some peace and quiet before I disturb it. “You’re worse since the last time we talked.”

  “Don’t worry. We’re trying a change in medication.”

  “How are you feeling so far?”

  “Like shit.”

  Despite the seriousness of the situation, I laugh a little. That’s Collin’s typical response when I ask after he’s had to change his medication. “Does your brother know?”

  “No,” Collin answers quickly. “He worries about me enough. He doesn’t need to know about this. Not to mention, he keeps pissing me off and…I don’t know. I’m at this point where I don’t want to tell him about these problems.”

  “You always have me,” I say, lifting my head to look at him.

  Collin smiles. “Thank god for that.” The way he looks at me, as if he’s actually thanking every God possible for my existence and the fact that he has me here, sucks all the air from my lungs and sends my heart into convulsions. The moment snaps in two when Collin looks up at the ceiling and asks, “I don’t mean to bug you, but I want a more concrete answer.”

  “On what?” I ask.

  “How long do you plan to stay?”

  I hear the underlying questions. How long do I have to keep this secret from my brother? Will you answer me definitely to ease my mind, so I can stop worrying about it? With a sigh, I drop my bombshell. “Can’t I move in?”

  Collin frowns. He doesn’t point out that this is a one-bedroom apartment or that definitely complicates the whole matter of me not liking his brother or how I didn’t bring many clothes with me. Instead, he asks, “You don’t want to go home?”

  “Life sucks back home. I need a change. A fresh start. I’ll only stay until I find a job and a place to rent. If you say no, I’ll just stay in a hotel and burn through my savings. I can fly home, pack some things, and drive my car back. I’m not going back either way,” I tell him.

  His frown deepens. “What’s going on at home?”

  I rest my head on his shoulder. What isn’t happening? “How do I get myself into these situations?” I whisper. It’s like ever since my incident with Cal, I’m constantly running into bad luck head-on with no protective gear. “Maybe if I’m around you, I won’t end up in sticky or stupid or bad situations.”

  “If you want to move here, you have my support, Jules. You’re more than welcome to stay.” He kisses the top of my head just as Marmalade jumps onto the bed. “I hate this fucking cat,” he says as he walks up his chest and Collin scratches between his ears.

  “I’d hate to know how you’d treat him if you loved him,” I tease.

  “Probably the same. Do you have a bathing suit with you?”

  I prop myself up on my arm at his question. “Why?” The hotel I was going to stay at if my emergency plan of calling Collin failed had a pool, and in my frantic state, I grabbed a suit since I thought maybe I’d want to relax, but Collin’s question is coming from nowhere.

  “I’m not relaxed enough. Do you?” When I nod, he says, “Then let’s change.”

  My heart flips at the thought of seeing Collin shirtless. I don’t know if I can handle what’s planned, but I’m looking forward to finding out.

  It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Julie in a bikini. She may wear a frown and her arms may try their best to hide her body due to the bruises blossoming from that bastard she was with, but she’s still beautiful.

  “Here,” I softly say as I hand Julie one of my hoodies to wear on the walk down to the pool room. She slips it on and I hand her a towel, which she wraps around her waist to cover some of the bruises on her legs. I don’t want to think about how they got there.

  Julie gives me a grateful smile before taking my hand. “Lead the way.”

  As quietly as possible, I open and close my door. Our footsteps are soft, but seemingly loud down the hallway. The last thing we want to do is give Cal a reason to pop his head out of his apartment. We make it down with no problem, thankfully. After shedding what clothes we wore, I pull Julie over to the hot tub. After turning it on and getting it going, we step in.

  We both let out a contented sigh at the same time.

  “What’s your schedule looking like? I figured I could fly home next time you have to fly out,” Julie says, resting her head on my shoulder.

  “Game tomorrow night and we’re flying out afterward because we have a game Saturday. So, you can leave Saturday, or wait a few more days because you’ll basic
ally have the whole week to do what you need to do.”

  “Okay. I’ll look at flights tomorrow.” She lifts her head and looks at me. “Have you dated anyone lately?”

  I laugh. “When would I have time between panic attacks, hockey, my annoying brother, and you?” I touch the tip of her nose with that last part and smile. “I did go on a date for EJ not too long ago, but she’s now his girlfriend.”

  “What? How’d that happen?”

  “He was just trying to stay away from her because she was his nanny.”

  Julie nods in understanding. We’re quiet for a bit, allowing the hot water to relax us, but then she says, “This may ruin everything, but I have to ask a question.”

  My hand moves underneath the water to gently grab her knee. “You can ask me anything.”

  “Have… Have you ever thought…” She turns toward me, her eyes crinkled with concern. Her mouth opens and closes. Before I can encourage her to ask me, she leans forward to place her lips upon mine.

  Holy shit.

  I grab her neck to hold her in place, kissing her like I’ve always dreamed of kissing her. Our mouths seem to be glued together as our tongues struggle for dominance. She straddles my lap, a strangled moan rocking through her. Just as my fingers dig into her neck, she’s gone. My eyes pop open. We’re both heavily breathing, but Julie has a wild look about her.

  “I’m sorry. I wondered if you ever thought about that, about us. I shouldn’t have.” Her head shakes constantly as if she shouldn’t have done what she just did. “Please tell me I didn’t ruin what we have.”

  I hold my hand out. “C’mere.” I can’t believe this is actually happening. Did she seriously just kiss me? With a shaky hand, Julie places hers in mine and I bring her back next to me. “You haven’t ruined anything. To answer your question, what if I say yes?”

  Her eyes widen. “Are you saying yes?”

  Instead of answering, I kiss her again, this time softer and slower. “Is that a good enough answer?” I ask.

  “No.”

  I laugh.

  “I’ve been thinking about this moment for years, Collin. I didn’t think it would ever happen and I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I realized I can’t live here without seeing if you feel the same way.”