Where We Belong (Carolina Rebels Book 8) Read online

  “I do.” My voice seems to trail off.

  “There’s a but?” she asks incredulously.

  “There are only two reasons I’ve never made a move on you: you’re one of my closest friends and you used to date my brother.”

  Julie frowns. “Your brother has nothing to do with this, Collin. He wouldn’t care. That never should’ve happened anyway.”

  “I think it would matter,” I disagree.

  “I know you know your brother in ways I don’t, but I know him in ways you don’t, and trust me; he won’t care. If anything, he’ll think you deserve better,” she finishes bitterly.

  Better than Julie? I don’t think a woman exists who is better than her. She’s been with me through a lot of shit and she doesn’t shy away when I’m going through my hard times. My brother can’t always do that.

  Julie grabs my hand, holding it hostage between both of hers. “What do you want to do, Collin? Date or forget this ever happened?” I open my mouth, but she places a finger over my lips before I can give her my answer. “If it’s the first answer, you should know that I still don’t want Cal to know I’m here. Not until we have to tell him.”

  My chest deflates. I don’t understand why she has to be a secret. “Why?” I ask.

  “That’s a topic for another day.”

  I take a deep breath and nod. “Okay. Let’s see what happens and we won’t tell Cal until you’re ready.”

  “Thank you.” She kisses me softly and quickly before resting her head on my shoulder again.

  “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” I ask, thinking about why she’s here to begin with.

  “Yes,” she answers without any hesitation. Before I can question her further, she moves on, clearly done discussing it. “When are we going on our first date?”

  I smile. “It’ll have to be next week after these road games are done with.” The high over what’s developed drifts away as I realize it shouldn’t be so easy for Julie to pack up and leave Florida. “What about your job, Jules?”

  “I don’t have it anymore,” she replies softly. “My boss started giving me a really hard time after I told him I wouldn’t have an affair with him, so I quit.”

  “I’m sorry. What about your family? You want to just leave them behind?”

  “I only talk to my parents and they know I’m not happy there.”

  “What about your sister?” I ask.

  Julie sighs. “About a year ago, I caught her sleeping with my then-boyfriend. They are now married. I don’t talk to her anymore.”

  “Fuck, Julie. Why didn’t you tell me that?”

  She laughs and lifts her head, moving away from me to the other side of the hot tub. “Because it was humiliating.” Julie glides her hands over the top of the water. “It had been going on almost the entire time we were together.” Her shoulders rise and fall. “It doesn’t matter now anyway.”

  This happened while she was dating that guy, she obviously felt betrayed. “You don’t think my brother won’t feel betrayed when he finds out about us like you did when you found out about them, even if you two aren’t together and it is years later?”

  Julie shakes her head. “No, because Cal never cared about me.” That can’t be true. “Don’t frown like that, Collin. He didn’t. If you’d think about it, really think about it, you would realize that, too. How many times did you have to take my side and stand up for me because of how he treated me or because he was a jackass? Do you think he would’ve been that way had he cared?”

  She may have a point there; I simply can’t imagine how he didn’t see the most wonderful woman in front of him while he had her.

  “Okay. I’ll try not to worry about it. Let’s head back up.”

  We get out of the hot tub, dry off, and make our way back to my apartment without running into Cal. I shoo Julie into the shower while I start dinner. Midway through, there’s a knock on my door. I immediately sigh. There’s only one person who would come to my door.

  Just as before, I block his sight and refuse to let him in. “What do you want, Cal?” I ask.

  He frowns. “Why are you being a little shit? I came to see if you wanted to eat with me.”

  “I already started cooking my own dinner; sorry.”

  He stands there, eyeing me as if he’s trying to figure out what’s going on. What’s changed. I eye him and try to figure out how Julie can tell us apart. We don’t have a tell. Our hair is the same, our faces are the same, and our voices are the same. We’re exactly alike, yet we’re not. Cal was born first. He was even born on a different day than me. He was born just before midnight on August twenty-third, while I was born shortly after midnight on the twenty-fourth. He’s an inch taller than me and a pound heavier.

  My nickname may be Thing One, but Cal is the best between the two of us. He doesn’t have anything wrong with him. People say we’re on an even playing field when it comes to hockey, but we both know he could best me. I struggle in life while Cal never has. There’s no way I could play professionally if he wasn’t by my side. The stress would weigh too heavily on my anxiety. I can’t shoulder this life without him carrying half the load for me.

  But Julie thinks I’m the best Kessy.

  “What’s up with you?” Cal asks, concern coloring his voice.

  “Nothing. I’m fine. It’s one of those days, I guess.” He knows that’s code for it being a rough mental health day.

  Cal nods. “Okay. You rest and I’m next door if you need me.”

  When I return his nod, he crosses the hall to his apartment. I close and lock the door before returning to my dinner.

  “Collin?”

  I whirl around to find Julie. She wears pajama pants dotted with hearts and a tank top. “All done?”

  “Yeah. Do you want to go? I can finish whatever you’ve started.”

  “Sure. Thanks.” I walk up to her. At the last second, I decide to kiss her, but she laughs. “What?” I don’t know if I should be smiling since she laughed when I kissed her, but she looks happy and that is reason enough to smile.

  “I can’t believe we can do that now.”

  “As far as I know, we’re not; we’re living in an alternate universe.” Julie laughs. “Go keep an eye on my meal and don’t let it burn.”

  We go our separate ways. Showers should be mundane or relaxing at best. But as I stand here, the water raining down on me, my anxiety slowly builds. My heartbeat steadily increases to a pace that is just fast enough to bother me and cause more anxiety. I take deep breaths as if that will slow my heartbeat. Is Julie really out there? Did we actually kiss and agree to date? And to keep this big secret from my twin brother? All while I’m struggling with hockey for like the first time ever? At least to the degree that I am.

  Once again, I wonder why Julie thinks I’m the best Kessy. She wouldn’t have these issues with Cal.

  Things are mostly normal after my shower as we eat and watch TV. I pack for my upcoming trip while Julie looks up flights. Julie insists we sleep in the same bed again tonight. She cuddles against my side as I keep an arm around her.

  “What if we don’t work?” I ask one of the many questions boomeranging in my mind.

  “We’ve been friends for this long. Do you really think we can’t make it as a couple?” She lifts her head to look at me.

  “You haven’t worried about this?”

  Julie shakes her head. “We’re fantastic friends and I think because of that, we’ll do our best to make it work. If it doesn’t for some reason,” she takes a steadying breath, “hopefully we can return to being friends.”

  I don’t think either one of us wants to be without the other. She rests her head on my chest again and I take a deep breath, hoping sleep comes soon.

  “You’re the crazy one, you know?”

  I look up to see my own brother. Or maybe it’s simply me talking to myself. I can’t even tell us apart right now. When I try to reach out to him, I realize I’m in a straitjacket. “What the fuck?”


  “I told you, you’re the crazy one, Collin. This is where you’ll be if you can’t straighten up. How many more times will you score on us, huh? You’re not helping anyone, brother.”

  I struggle in the jacket. “Let me out of this thing, Cal. I’m not crazy. I don’t need to be in this.”

  Cal laughs. “You’re with Julie now. You’re definitely fucking crazy. If I’m too good to be with her, so are you. Not to mention, you keep having all of these panic attacks and she’s not going to want you anyway. That ‘best Kessy’ bullshit is just that: bullshit.”

  My arms jerk from side to side as I struggle. I have to get out of this thing. My breathing turns to gasps as I feel trapped and the panic causes my skin to chill to an ungodly low temperature. I have to get out.

  I have to get out!

  Crushing pain wakes me up. It takes me a second to realize I lie on top of Collin and his arms squeeze my torso so tightly, I can barely breathe. Damn, this hurts!

  “Collin,” I rasp, hoping to wake him up.

  His cheek twitches and his arms tighten even more around me. He’s going to break a rib or all of them if he keeps this up. Realizing my arm is free, I reach up and slap his face. His arms loosen, but his eyes don’t open. Is he still asleep?

  Just as I’m able to sit up and am about to call out his name again, I’m blindsided by a punch. The hit is so swift and hard that it knocks me off the bed, causing me to land on my shoulder.

  “Fuck!” I hold a hand to my eye as I rock on the floor. The pain radiating from my eye, shoulder, and ribs is almost too much.

  “Julie?” Collin crouches down next to me. “What happened? Did you fall?”

  I shake my head. “You.”

  After a pause, his voice cracks. “I did this? Jesus.” He carefully picks me up and sets me on the bed. “Do you want some ice?” I nod and he disappears. He soon returns with a bag of ice covered in a kitchen towel and gently sets it over my eye. “What happened, Julie?” he whispers.

  “I woke up and you were squeezing the life out of me. I thought you were going to break my ribs. I slapped you to wake you up, but when I sat up, you punched me.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was dreaming…” His voice trails off as he shakes his head. “I’m coming off of these meds. My dreams have been fucked ever since I started them. Are you okay? Is there anything else you need? How badly are you hurt?”

  “I’m fine,” I tell him. My eye hurts like a bitch, my ribs are a bit sore, and my shoulder doesn’t feel all that great, but I’ll survive. Guilt already consumes him based on the look in his eyes. I’m not about to make that worse by telling him how I really feel.

  Collin leans forward and kisses my forehead with such care. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. He shakes his head. “You didn’t sign up for this.”

  “What do you mean?”

  His muscles tense, his gaze moves to the door, and he quietly says, “Me when I’m off my rocker.”

  I really hate Cal. Lowering the ice, I reach out and grab Collin’s chin, making him look at me. “You aren’t off your rocker, Collin. You’re a man going through a hard time. I signed up for whatever it’s like to be with the best Kessy and I’m fully prepared to deal with that.”

  He stares at me for a moment. “Try to get some rest.” He grabs a pillow and stands.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Sleeping on the couch,” he says as if it’s obvious. “I’m not putting you in danger anymore and it’s obviously dangerous to share a bed with me.”

  It hurts that he doesn’t feel as if it’s safe to sleep in here with me, but at this point, I don’t think I can argue with him. I almost want to, but I don’t think he would change his mind. I smile a little, the best I can without it making my eye hurt worse, and watch him walk out of his bedroom.

  I settle back into bed, letting the ice soothe my eye for a while, before finally going back to sleep.

  When I wake up as the bed dips, I see Collin sitting next to me with a frown on his face. Marmalade sits next to him and Collin pets him, a constant purr coming from the cat because of it.

  “I’m sorry, Jules.”

  “Stop apologizing to me. I’m fine.”

  “You haven’t looked in the mirror yet. I’d feel better if you hit me back a few times.”

  I laugh. “I don’t think I can do much damage.” I sit up and reach for his hand. “Don’t worry about it, Collin. You need to focus on the game tonight.”

  “I will when I need to. You’re leaving tomorrow, right?” I nod, wondering how exactly that is going to work. “Are you seeing your parents while you’re there?”

  “Are you kidding me? When I look like this?” I joke, but it causes Collin to groan. “I might,” I lie; I can’t risk seeing them. “My lease is actually up soon and I’ll get them to handle that for me. It came fully furnished, so I’ll be able to pack fairly quickly and what I can’t bring, my parents will store for me, I’m sure.”

  “I wish I could come with you to help.” He sighs. “Do you want me to get someone to go with you? At least for company? It’s a long drive back.” Before I can tell him that I’ll be fine, he says, “It’ll make me feel better.”

  “Who would go with me?” There isn’t any actual need, but maybe it’s not the worst idea in the world. I also don’t want him to worry about me unnecessarily.

  “Deanna. She’s the captain’s girlfriend. They’ll be able to keep it a secret, too,” he adds as if he can see the question in my eyes. “Will you at least let me ask?”

  I nod. “If it’ll make you feel better and if she can keep it a secret, go ahead.”

  Collin smiles and leans forward to kiss the corner of my mouth. Butterflies explode in my stomach with that little action. “You can get some more sleep if you want. It’s still pretty early. I’m heading over to Brayden’s to run. I’ll ask while I’m there. Go ahead and unpack what you have and make room for yourself today, okay?”

  “Will do. Enjoy your run.”

  Those runs have been so important for him. If a person can burn off their anxiety by running, then that’s what it does for Collin. It doesn’t stay away, but he’s calmer afterward and it sets his mood for the day. Running with that dog, Otis, does something different for him than working out with the team.

  I don’t know whether I should hope that Deanna can go with me or not. It’ll ease whatever worries Collin has, but I’m perfectly okay going alone and driving that long drive back by myself. It’ll help ensure I keep my own secret should anything happen while I’m down there. Marmalade climbs onto my chest, sits, and flicks his tail back and forth.

  “Don’t listen to what he says, Marmalade. He actually loves you.” I scratch under his chin and receive a purr in response. “Okay, go away. I need a shower.” He stares at me in defiance until I sit up and he reluctantly jumps off the bed, running into the living room.

  After my shower, I unpack my suitcase and find a place to put some of my clothes. Collin returns from his run, smiling, because he convinced Deanna to go with me. He also called his psychiatrist, so he’s on a new medication starting tomorrow. He gives me his brother’s key, so I’ll be able to get back into his apartment once I return.

  The day passes without much incident and Saturday comes as well as a knock on Collin’s door.

  “It’s Deanna,” I hear from the other side.

  I walk over and open the door for her. Her eyes widen at the side of me, looking rough with a big fat black eye. She would probably be more concerned if I wasn’t wearing a long-sleeved shirt. “Hi,” I finally say. “I’m sorry you’re having to come with me.” I step aside for her to come in.

  “It’s no problem. If Collin thinks you need company, I don’t mind doing a favor for him. We need to leave soon, right?”

  “Yeah. A car should be here any minute.” I turn to grab my things, pet Marmalade one last time, and then we’re out the door.

  We don’t say much as someone drives us to the airport, as we ch
eck in, and make our way through security. My phone dings with a text just as we sit down at our gate.

  Collin: Hey. How’s it going?

  Me: Fine. We’re all settled in at the airport.

  Collin: Good. I think you’ll like Deanna, too. Thanks for letting her go with you. I feel better about it.

  Me: She doesn’t seem to mind that she’s here. I guess I should talk to her instead of you. I’ll let you know when we get there.

  “Collin checking in?” Deanna asks as she puts her own phone away.

  “Yeah.”

  “Collin said he wanted Brayden and me to act as if this never happened. Is that because of whatever happened to you?” Her gaze lingers on my eye.

  “Not exactly. I don’t get along with Cal and I’d rather he not know I’m here.”

  “Oh, okay. So, Collin said we’re packing you up because you’re moving here.”

  I’m glad she’s letting that topic go. “Yeah. I’ve had enough of Florida. I need something new and North Carolina is the place for me. I’m thankful Collin is letting me stay with him until I can get back on my feet.”

  “That’s nice. I think you’ll like it, and Collin seems like a nice guy. How do you know him?” she asks.

  “I’ve known him since high school. I never lost touch with him. What’s it like being a girlfriend to a pro hockey player?” I feel like I should get to know her as well. After all, we’re spending this weekend together. I might as well get to know her to some extent.

  Deanna smiles. “Well, I have a lot more girlfriends than I did before. I feel like I gained a second family. Like, take Collin for instance. We have an odd sort of friendship because he likes to run with my dog, so I see him most mornings. I also get to see what Brayden is like around kids because we sometimes babysit for EJ and his girlfriend, Raelynn. Don’t get me wrong. I would still be with Brayden even if he wasn’t a hockey player, but I like the life that comes with it—the people, I mean.”

  I nod in understanding, even though I haven’t experienced that.